Chewbacca was a Pussy!

Yes I said it!  After recently watching the original Star Wars: A New Hope, it dawned on me, Chewbacca does absolutely nothing in terms of helping or showing any bravery!  Now I know what you're thinking, "Ryan you douche, Chewbacca was a bad ass!  Didn't you see episode 3?"  Yes I did, but like most people, I don't acknowledge any of the new ones, so your gripe is vetoed.  But let me get to my point.

Lets start with Episode IV, the original.  We are introduced to Han and Chewie in the cantina on Tatooine where Luke and Obi Wan need to make a quick escape.  Jump to - they are loading up about to take off and suddenly Imperial Storm Troopers appear and start blastin away at Han (who's still outside the ship) who shoots back.  Meanwhile, Chewbacca is just lounging upstairs probably getting his game of monster shoots and ladders ready to play the with the droids, and notice, the ship doesn't take off until Han gets there.  Not as he's fighting on the ramp to give him some cover...Thanks for the support Chewie.

Lets jump to when we are on the Death Star.  Okay, when they take over the control room just after they are sucked inside, Chewbacca does lay the smack down on one unsuspecting commander, I'll give him that one. But soon after they devise the plan to act like he's their prisoner and take him to the detention level, they of course get in a huge firefight and hand him the biggest gun and what does he do?! Oh yeah, he shoots out the control panels, lights and cameras.  Thanks again buddy, everyone is shooting at us, and you're shooting at lights, cameras and control switches...that don't seem to control anything...

After they dive into the trash compactor it becomes apparent that there is a giant alien slug in there that obviously has an appetite for humans. But as you might notice, Chewbacca is hanging out on top of a trash mound...in the corner...like a little bitch.  Then suddenly Luke gets sucked underwater by that giant tentacle (which judging from how big that thing was, the body of that alien must've been huge) and what does Chewie do?  Nothing.  Nope, it's Han who gets concerned and tries to help. Finally Luke is let free (probably just caught a look at the monster and punched it in the face and have it the finger) and they all eventually get out...into what?!  More Storm Troopers!  And what happens?!  Han leads a harrowing charge of 1 vs. like 7, which soon turns into about a million and I have to ask, where's Chewbacca in all this.  Yep you guessed it, trotting behind Han at a brisk pace of "I've got a fat ass!".  Then as Han is being chased back from the horde of Storm Troopers, does Chewie jump in to defend his friend? Nope!  He turns tail and runs away, Han passing him by, who's actually being shot at, while shooting back over his shoulder.   Chewbacca on the other hand, doesn't fire off a single round. 

Finally, at the end, after Han saves Luke's ass, and there is this giant awards ceremony, which reveals I'd guess a 100 or so more pilots (Thanks for sending the extra help against the DEATH STAR!...Assholes), Chewbacca does that thing that we've all experienced.  Taken the credit for your buddy's work, by stealing the last line in the movie.  Classy...real classy.  Thanks for nothin Chewie! 

-Ryan

Power Outage

Unfortunately, the title of my latest thoughts has no depth to it or hidden meaning.  Simply, I find it curious how we as humans react to a power outage.  Last night as I returned home from karate I turned down my giant abyss of a hill that leads to my apartment and noticed that the entire strip mall near by was dark.  "Well that kinda sucks..." I thought because as some of you may or may not know, I'm an avid hockey fan and I was looking forward to watching the Thrashers on TV. Needless to say, I was still able to listen to the broad cast on the radio.  But as I approached my front door, my neighbor who is a tall, black, former army ranger, and now a cop (rumored has it a dirty one), was sitting outside letting his dog go rampant in the grass around.  Oh he also calls me "Boss" (which I find is all sorts of awkward) and never calls me by my actual name.  Anyways, he was distraught.  He expressed his NEED for power (literally like electricity) so he could iron his uniform watch TV or do what ever. 

Having hearing this I thought to myself, what ever will I myself do?  I wasn't panicking really, Banzai (my dog, also the one you see in my user picture) was just wagging his tail not giving a shit that the power was out.  The quiet was rather nice, lit a few candles and ate my chick-fa-la sandwich in the dark.  Literally a candle lit dinner with my pup.  Soon the power came back on, I'd say about 15 min.

Really the point I'm trying to make is the way people are wired.  I am starting to feel that the people who NEED to be stimulated are the ones who freak out.  I NEED my TV man, I NEED my computer, I NEED the internet, I NEED my video games, do you have any idea how many other gamers I'm not killing at the moment!  Granted, my neighbor needing to iron his uniform is important and a priority for his job (or lack there of), I can probably say I don't NEED any of those, granted I enjoy the benefits of them all, quite regularly, but I'm a writer, so sitting there in the dark just made my brain start stimulating itself.  (I'm sure plenty of sexual jokes are coming...)  My plan became, well I'd like to watch the Thrashers, but if the shit hits the fan, I'll just go work on some script stuff, or wait for it...hey there's a blog topic! 

So let me throw this out there.  Think of it as a what if scenario.  What if, it was one of those apocalyptic times where we lost all electricity?  I'd be curious to see if the people who NEED power, are the first ones to go ape shit and do something drastic, looting, robbing, something non-positive.  I might guess that the creative types, or just the "we can stimulate ourselves" would be more creative and think outside the box and form some sort of plan.  It's hard to say really, I could be totally wrong and I'm basing it all off one guy, or also maybe because I've already thought of this type of scenario and have a plan for it already...Just apply zombie outbreak protocol and adapt to what is actually happening....Hmmm I need to learn how to sail...

Superman Sucks in Bed

Yes I said it!  I figured since this is my first "blog" entry that I'd rehash a rant I had a number of years ago targeting the infamous Man of Steel (for those of you who may or may not know, I'm a Batman fan, so yes, I'm biased). Though many of the television series and movies, we never witness Superman's love life.  In fact, pretty much the lack there of.  Disguising himself as Clark Kent, the mild mannered, mid west farm boy, and also mega dork, Superman blends in with the general populous. Perhaps the dorkiest portrayal was perfected by the late actor Christopher Reeve, in which his coke bottle glasses and in ability to do anything manly made him basically the complete shlub.  Which I understand WAS/IS Superman's goal, so no one ever suspects anything.

Anyways, to cut to the point, though out the movies, tv's shows, comics, it's not until Lois Lane finds out he is Superman that they become together and all that jazz.  The meat of the story is him chasing her as Clark Kent, and pretty much ONLY her.  So he never seems to have a dating life much less as sexual one.  Even back on the farm with Ma and Pa Kent, there weren't many girls around.   Especially ones who wanted to get with the football teams laundry kid (thank Pa Kent for not letting him play sports due to the fact he'd win them all).  And the first instance where we witness him FINALLY getting some tail with Lois was in Superman 2 and we are lead to believe it was one time.  Really I'm just saying that since Superman is such a boyscout and the go to guy when ever something horrible and imminent is going to destroy Earth, he has no time to date or sleep around.  So I'm guessing that one great night with Lois Lane at the Fortress of Solitude, ya know before he gave up his powers, (not really sure how that works by the way) he probably truly earned the moniker "Faster than a Speeding Bullet".

-Ryan