Chewbacca was a Pussy!

Yes I said it!  After recently watching the original Star Wars: A New Hope, it dawned on me, Chewbacca does absolutely nothing in terms of helping or showing any bravery!  Now I know what you're thinking, "Ryan you douche, Chewbacca was a bad ass!  Didn't you see episode 3?"  Yes I did, but like most people, I don't acknowledge any of the new ones, so your gripe is vetoed.  But let me get to my point.

Lets start with Episode IV, the original.  We are introduced to Han and Chewie in the cantina on Tatooine where Luke and Obi Wan need to make a quick escape.  Jump to - they are loading up about to take off and suddenly Imperial Storm Troopers appear and start blastin away at Han (who's still outside the ship) who shoots back.  Meanwhile, Chewbacca is just lounging upstairs probably getting his game of monster shoots and ladders ready to play the with the droids, and notice, the ship doesn't take off until Han gets there.  Not as he's fighting on the ramp to give him some cover...Thanks for the support Chewie.

Lets jump to when we are on the Death Star.  Okay, when they take over the control room just after they are sucked inside, Chewbacca does lay the smack down on one unsuspecting commander, I'll give him that one. But soon after they devise the plan to act like he's their prisoner and take him to the detention level, they of course get in a huge firefight and hand him the biggest gun and what does he do?! Oh yeah, he shoots out the control panels, lights and cameras.  Thanks again buddy, everyone is shooting at us, and you're shooting at lights, cameras and control switches...that don't seem to control anything...

After they dive into the trash compactor it becomes apparent that there is a giant alien slug in there that obviously has an appetite for humans. But as you might notice, Chewbacca is hanging out on top of a trash mound...in the corner...like a little bitch.  Then suddenly Luke gets sucked underwater by that giant tentacle (which judging from how big that thing was, the body of that alien must've been huge) and what does Chewie do?  Nothing.  Nope, it's Han who gets concerned and tries to help. Finally Luke is let free (probably just caught a look at the monster and punched it in the face and have it the finger) and they all eventually get out...into what?!  More Storm Troopers!  And what happens?!  Han leads a harrowing charge of 1 vs. like 7, which soon turns into about a million and I have to ask, where's Chewbacca in all this.  Yep you guessed it, trotting behind Han at a brisk pace of "I've got a fat ass!".  Then as Han is being chased back from the horde of Storm Troopers, does Chewie jump in to defend his friend? Nope!  He turns tail and runs away, Han passing him by, who's actually being shot at, while shooting back over his shoulder.   Chewbacca on the other hand, doesn't fire off a single round. 

Finally, at the end, after Han saves Luke's ass, and there is this giant awards ceremony, which reveals I'd guess a 100 or so more pilots (Thanks for sending the extra help against the DEATH STAR!...Assholes), Chewbacca does that thing that we've all experienced.  Taken the credit for your buddy's work, by stealing the last line in the movie.  Classy...real classy.  Thanks for nothin Chewie! 

-Ryan